Wednesday, December 30, 2015

No Regrets; No Hard Feelings.

I don't regret knowing you, I just regret the fact that knowing you used to be someone I'm close to, yet in the end I can't be with you and walking through life till the end with you. Falling out of love with you makes me feel half dead inside, I remember what we did but I feel that I lost a part of me to the past and now I can't take it back.

Because in the end, it's not about losing you to her, it's about losing hope to have you in my life. This absence doesn't make my heart grow fonder of you, it's just a reminder that I failed, and now I shall repay by gradually dying from the inside.

But I shall find solace and peace in knowing that you will thrive in life, even without me being with you; perhaps with someone else, or all by yourself. My only hope is that you find happiness in whatever you do.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Guilt + Freedom

Day by day, night by night, the mental images of the memories that included both of us played less in my mind. I became less clingy onto them as before, but I cannot seem to forget your obsession of her and your betrayal.

I searched the word "betrayal" on Google, and the first result came from Wikipedia (of course).
"Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations."

Funny, I thought I remembered something different in regards to the meaning of this word the last time I checked, which was through Google as well. Taking into account of the meaning of "betrayal" from my recent search, it completely defines what you did to me. And her name keeps popping out everywhere I go, which is not helping me with my intention to forget about you.

I have been trying my best to live with the results of our unity a few months ago. I don't know why you did what you did. I don't know why I didn't put a stop to this bullshit earlier than two months ago; but all I know is that I regret knowing you in the first place.

Yes... I regret being with you, but at the same time, I regret pushing you out of my life. But you left me no choice, and I simply can't put up with all these anymore. I have been rambling about you and us from the first post of this blog until now. It has been a month or more, and at times I just dive into my memory lane to see the past that once contained you because I just don't understand why.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Relationships

Being with someone; be it a lover, family member, or friend, it's not about being afraid of getting hurt, nor is it about looking forward to being with the person forever; but it is about the experience you experienced from the relationship, whether it's a passing relationship or an ongoing relationship. Relationships have their own distinct values, but those values don't exist if there's no one there to create the relationship.

Relationships need to be nurtured after they are being created. A relationship is not a solid entity; it is intangible, yet relationships play an important part in our lives. It takes at least two persons to make one, and it takes the people in one relationship to keep it, and sustain it.

But different people define a relationship differently. We hold different ideals and desires in life, the way we view a relationship is not the same way another person sees it. We crave so much for social support yet we can't go beyond our differences; so what's the point?

But the point is obvious, isn't it? We work through our differences, and in the process, we become tolerant. But are we ready to be tolerant and patient in order to make relationships work?

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Just a Little Reminder of You II

We were beautiful together.
If you don't believe so,
Ask the galaxy;
Which showcased the process of our journey in colours of purple;
The beginning was marked by a lighter tone of the colour,
Then it turned darker which reflected on those months we spent together,
When things went wrong but we tried to make them right.
That tone of purple then dramatically changed to blue,
Denoting the moment when you told me the truth,
And we parted to our separate ways.
Such beautiful colours,
With glitters emitted by the stars that showed us all of those tiny little things we did together or for each other,
Just to make our relationship right;
But the relationship came to a halt almost too soon,
And it stayed there;
Then it quickly escalated to nothingness.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Just a Little Reminder of You

Just a little reminder of you; so I will forget the intimacies we used to share, but at the same time I will remember you, who used to be a part of my life.

You gave me the perfect gift to remember you for who you are and who were we together. Everything about this gift tells me that we used to have a thing going on before, but that's just it.

But it doesn't clearly tell me what do you feel about me now and all the times you had been by my side months ago, or you never reveal your feelings into it for it to tell me. Just like how shifty and sly you always used to be, you never show any of your true feelings after all.

I won't dispose of this gift. Instead, I will keep it with me, so I will always be reminded of the person you are. Maybe it might not tell me entirely about you, but it will still tell me that you are a person who used to be in my life.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

The Warmth that Fought through the Cold

On one cold winter night, the blizzard decided to come and destroy a little town in Utah. To him, the mind is more destructive than any weather out there, be it drastic or deathly. As he sat on a couch in his little hut that sheltered him from the rapid wind and snowing outdoors: "to whom do I confide into now?" He thought out loud, but he knew no one will answer him, for he was alone. At least only at that time.

A few months had passed in the same year; months of continuous snow that piled up into a massive load to the point that everything seemed to be white and compressed. The daunting season never ceased until it was near the end of the year, when the Sun finally decided to surpass the cold winter that seemed determined to take up almost the entire year for itself. On one particular morning, when the Sun shone so beautifully on the azure blue sky, he decided to make a trip downtown to visit a town nearby, called Park City.

He was coming down from one of the taller hills of the region, from his wooden hut. The Sun shone in such a way that seemed to clarify its obvious intention of showing him his way. It was its warmth that encouraged him to move ahead to his destination. And making his way carefully downtown, he whispered to no one in particular: "I'm still fighting."

The world seemed particularly blurry at the moment, mainly due to the sudden reminder of his own past life. But during that moment by himself, the image of the sunny winter morning that comes with a warm and cozy feeling to it will forever rest in his heart and mind for eternity.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

A Rainy Afternoon I

When I woke up, I missed you so badly. I miss being with you, but you had already proven that it's not worth it when you told me that I wasn't the only one you have in mind. If we stay together, we won't be happy at all.

I dreamed about the temple that I visited earlier this year. It was beautiful; it was dark and it was raining. I remember the temple faced the ocean like the real one, but the ocean was painfully beautiful inside my dream, in the sense that it was dark, the sky was coloured from dark blue to purple with some pink and red tints. The sea practically reflected on the colours of the sky, just that it had a darker tone to it. It looked so peaceful and serene, even more with the rain and the flood. This scene reflects on the emptiness of my life without you. But I know we cannot get back together.

I know I can't escape my past. But I can always move forward if I want to. After all, life is so much better, life can offer more than you could.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

It's Better To Be Missing You

I remember the night when we first kissed. I can feel that it just came to us to do just that. We kissed so passionately for hours and I never wanted any other kiss. I never wanted to kiss anybody's lips but yours. I only want you, but you don't feel the same way.

I wonder what went wrong in our relationship, but the short wondering is quickly turning into a detailed session of self-answering my own questions about us. We're not meant for each other. There's no point lying about it anymore.

Maybe after all these times, you were just always lying to me. Maybe you betrayed me a hundred times, maybe more, maybe less. But it doesn't matter. Because we're no longer together, and it feels better this way, honestly. It feels better to miss you than to be with you.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Creating My "List"

During my sociology class, my lecturer mentioned how some successful people stated the importance of constructing a set of values as a form of guidance, and that one value should not "clash" with another in terms of meaning.

Now that I come to this, I realised that I never created such a set of rules and values for myself. All I do is reading the others' sets of this. And it's not a bad idea to create it, as I can imagine that it will guide me and remind me of my purpose in life. I was thinking of writing and posting my set here because I already have a few things that I want for myself currently in my mind. But just to think through it wisely, I will hold on to that before I am absolutely certain about my list.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

A Rainy Night I

The night is being disturbed; by the noise from upstairs as a tenant is playing videos from his electronic device for entertainment, and the rain that fell non stop for the whole night time.

My body is still a little wet as I just came out from the hot shower. I couldn't care much about that, as I put on a new shirt and shorts that I wore before so I can get down to work straight away.

My thoughts tend to drift back to the past; the past that holds good memories and bad ones. I remember how we used to spend nights like this together. We would watch movies, talk, make love...

Love... Did you ever love me?

I still have questions I want to ask you, but at the same time I don't want to see you ever again. So let them be unanswered. It's better that way.

I used to imagine life without you. Now I'm living that life I fantasised about. Life without fear and constant sadness and the frequent negative thoughts. It's like I've been pushed out of the rain zone and into the sunlight - from the darkness, into the light and freedom. I can imagine myself looking at a beautiful green landscape, the long uncut grass waving in motion with the cool, warm breeze; numerous white clouds hanging onto the azure blue sky. More importantly, when I'm there, I need not worry about you anymore.