No Regrets; No Hard Feelings.

I don't regret knowing you, I just regret the fact that knowing you used to be someone I'm close to, yet in the end I can't be with you and walking through life till the end with you. Falling out of love with you makes me feel half dead inside, I remember what we did but I feel that I lost a part of me to the past and now I can't take it back.

Because in the end, it's not about losing you to her, it's about losing hope to have you in my life. This absence doesn't make my heart grow fonder of you, it's just a reminder that I failed, and now I shall repay by gradually dying from the inside.

But I shall find solace and peace in knowing that you will thrive in life, even without me being with you; perhaps with someone else, or all by yourself. My only hope is that you find happiness in whatever you do.

Guilt + Freedom

Day by day, night by night, the mental images of the memories that included both of us played less in my mind. I became less clingy onto them as before, but I cannot seem to forget your obsession of her and your betrayal.

I searched the word "betrayal" on Google, and the first result came from Wikipedia (of course).
"Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations."

Funny, I thought I remembered something different in regards to the meaning of this word the last time I checked, which was through Google as well. Taking into account of the meaning of "betrayal" from my recent search, it completely defines what you did to me. And her name keeps popping out everywhere I go, which is not helping me with my intention to forget about you.

I have been trying my best to live with the results of our unity a few months ago. I don't know why you did what you did. I don't know why I didn't put a stop to this bullshit earlier than two months ago; but all I know is that I regret knowing you in the first place.

Yes... I regret being with you, but at the same time, I regret pushing you out of my life. But you left me no choice, and I simply can't put up with all these anymore. I have been rambling about you and us from the first post of this blog until now. It has been a month or more, and at times I just dive into my memory lane to see the past that once contained you because I just don't understand why.

Relationships

Being with someone; be it a lover, family member, or friend, it's not about being afraid of getting hurt, nor is it about looking forward to being with the person forever; but it is about the experience you experienced from the relationship, whether it's a passing relationship or an ongoing relationship. Relationships have their own distinct values, but those values don't exist if there's no one there to create the relationship.

Relationships need to be nurtured after they are being created. A relationship is not a solid entity; it is intangible, yet relationships play an important part in our lives. It takes at least two persons to make one, and it takes the people in one relationship to keep it, and sustain it.

But different people define a relationship differently. We hold different ideals and desires in life, the way we view a relationship is not the same way another person sees it. We crave so much for social support yet we can't go beyond our differences; so what's the point?

But the point is obvious, isn't it? We work through our differences, and in the process, we become tolerant. But are we ready to be tolerant and patient in order to make relationships work?

A Rainy Night I

The night is being disturbed; by the noise from upstairs as a tenant is playing videos from his electronic device for entertainment, and the rain that fell non stop for the whole night time.

My body is still a little wet as I just came out from the hot shower. I couldn't care much about that, as I put on a new shirt and shorts that I wore before so I can get down to work straight away.

My thoughts tend to drift back to the past; the past that holds good memories and bad ones. I remember how we used to spend nights like this together. We would watch movies, talk, make love...

Love... Did you ever love me?

I still have questions I want to ask you, but at the same time I don't want to see you ever again. So let them be unanswered. It's better that way.

I used to imagine life without you. Now I'm living that life I fantasised about. Life without fear and constant sadness and the frequent negative thoughts. It's like I've been pushed out of the rain zone and into the sunlight - from the darkness, into the light and freedom. I can imagine myself looking at a beautiful green landscape, the long uncut grass waving in motion with the cool, warm breeze; numerous white clouds hanging onto the azure blue sky. More importantly, when I'm there, I need not worry about you anymore.